Looking on my last few posts, I can't help but to notice how negative I've been. I hate it and I have a daily conversation with myself about putting my big girl pants on and being positive. But I must admit, these past few weeks have presented several challenges that make being positive nearly impossible.
I had mentioned that my sister let me know she was pregnant. My sister is the most wonderful person I know and handled that situation with such class. It was hard, but I knew she knew that and she definitely gave me my time to take it all in. I thought that would be the hardest "announcement." Little did I know, I would receive a tougher one a week later. My best friend who has been married for 2 months just let me know that she was pregnant. The fact that she's pregnant was not the hardest though, it was that she told me, then came to my house and spent the night for a New Year's Eve party. It's hard for me to be mad, because I know she has always wanted the best for me. She has been there for me through all of this mess- she was the 1st person I called the night we found out about DH's azoospermia. It was just such a painful situation to be in- we had no time to cry, no time to react, we just had to smile all through the night.
But as I look back on those two situations, they mean nothing after the doctor visit DH had today. Our RE had ordered an MRI just to check for any pituitary tumors or cancer even. We found out last week, that everything seemed to be normal- no tumors, no cancer. But.... there were some small white spots. The nurse assured us this was probably nothing- could have been from a concussion, a high fever over an extended period of time, he could have just been born with it, etc. Still, the RE wanted us to see a neurologist just to be sure. This was the first appointment I didn't attend with DH since this all began because it was a very difficult day to miss work. We even called the office and asked if I should go there as support- everyone seemed like that would just be a waste of time. So, poor DH went alone.
After some reflex tests and vision tests, the neurologist pulled up the MRI and started going over it with DH. He said that he thought the small white spots (there's a more technical name for them, but I have forbidden myself from googling them) were most likely caused from an untreated thyroid issue. DH has hypothyroidism and has been treated for it for a few years now, but it was probably present before he started treatment. He said if that's the issue, everything's fine- those spots will just stay there and not cause any harm. But DH, knowing me all too well, said, "My wife will want to know what the worst case scenario is." Oh how I wish I wasn't a person who needed to know those things, because I was certainly not expecting the response. "MS would be the worst case scenario," he flatly told DH.
What? How? He's so young, seemingly so healthy! He has no other symptoms, but this is actually on the table! We are going back in on Saturday for him to go through more tests. I need him. I want to live a long, happy, healthy life with him by my side and I would sacrifice EVERYTHING for him. This fertility thing isn't just about me being a mom, it's about US being parents. I know it doesn't work this way, and that God already has everything planned out for us, but I would be willing to be childless forever if DH could be healthy. Please say a prayer for him!