Rough Week

My high from last week's appointment is officially over:(. Throughout this journey so far, DH and I keep saying, "atleast only one of us has fertility issues." Should have knocked on wood. We got our blood results back from the RE and I have PCOS. Now, I am well aware that this is all too common. I have heard hundreds of stories about women with PCOS who "accidentally" get pregnant with no medical intervention. I know this is not the worst thing in the infertility world- (I think azoospermia ranks up there, personally). I am aware that medicine can treat this. It's just that we already have something! I mean, for the love of all that's holy- can we get a break?

The answer is no! The day after finding out our blood results, my sister informed me that they were pregnant. I know everyone here understands so I don't need to go into detail about being happy for her, but sad for us. On top of all of this, RE wants me to lose 30 lbs. I know you can't see me, but I doubt you would think I need to lose 30. 10 probably, 15 maybe, but 30? I would be pulling out some of my clothes from 8th grade! He has me on a low carb diet, which I've done before, but it's certainly not fun.

I am just so ready for 2012- hopefully SOMETHING good will happen!

We Are Hopeful!

Today I had my first RE appointment.  I was suuuuuper nervous about going because we have become accustomed to receiving bad news recently.  But to our surprise- we left feeling great!

RE started focusing on DH since we know there is definitely a fertility issue there.  He was appalled at the blood work results he received from DH's endocrinologist.  He specifically said, "this is 'F'ing terrible!"  RE explained that all of DH's levels were far below what he considered "normal."  He then went on to berate the urology reports- apparently, DH's testicles and prostate are the maturity of A 4 YEAR OLD!  What?!  How could the urologist have missed this? 

After the shock of that information wore off, the RE got down to business.  Both of us gave blood samples.  He ordered an MRI for DH, plus decided to put him on HCG (I totally didn't know men were put on that).  He is "cautiously optimistic" that this will jump start DH's sperm production.  In addition, it is expected to help with his depression.  We are not expecting to see normal levels of sperm, but we need 3 million to try IUI.  I mean, IUI could be a possible option for us- everyone else has told us flat out NO!  I know at this point we still have zero sperm, and there is a chance that may never change, but so far this is the best news we've heard.  Without him actually saying the words, we got the vibe that he's pretty confident he can at least find 1 for IVF- hooray, 1 sperm!!!  Seriously, we'd take it!

My ultrasound went well- all necessary parts are there and seem healthy.  Now we are just waiting on our blood results and DH's MRI.  DH will give a semen analysis in 3-4 months to see if his treatment worked.  It seems like a long time to wait, but I think it's better than making DH go through a biopsy now and most likely find nothing.

Sex

Warning: this post is all about sex (no dirty details, though)

Here is the story of me and my frenemy, Sex. You see, Sex and I were pretty good friends 2.5 years ago. At the beginning of my marriage, she (yes, I am referring to sex as a "she") allowed me to grow closer with my husband, she came around often, and she was just a blast!

When DH and I first started TTC, she was still pretty fun to have around- DH really liked her too! But then, after about 3 months, Sex really started to get on my nerves. She was becoming less of a friend and more of a nag. I was getting tired of putting all of this effort in to her, only to receive nothing in return. Although DH had really loved Sex in the beginning, he even started to get frustrated with her. He noticed that she started visiting for one week a month and would drop off the planet until the same time next month. He started to miss her, but I was comfortable with the arrangement she and I had.

I guess I knew in some way that it was building up to this point, but after we got DH's azoo diagnosis, my relationship with Sex reached an all new level. Once my friend, she was now my enemy! I subconsciously decided that she and I needed to go our separate ways. She wasn't the friend I thought she was and ultimately my feelings were hurt.

Sex and I didn't see eachother for two whole months. I couldn't stand to even think about her! But what I didn't realize was how my failing relationship with Sex was affecting my relationship with DH. He never said anything, but I felt a distance from him I hadn't felt before. I started to get scared that my resentment towards Sex could cause irreparable damage in my marriage. I started to kind of miss her myself- not enough to call her up and make plans though. I wanted her to just pop in sometime and surprise us. I was worried that I'd never get the old Sex back- my fun friend. I went as far as to pray that God would bring her back into my life so I could feel somewhat normal again.

Well, I am happy to report that my prayers were answered tonight. Sex stopped by, she apologized for being a crappy friend, and decided to stick around for longer than a week this time:).

Holidays... Here We Come!!

We are getting ready to go to my parents' house for Thanksgiving.  I'm excited to get away and just relax.  I'm hoping that the attention will not be on us, but I'm not dreading it as much as I thought I would.  I guess if my mom makes any comments about me "not being myself" or "acting sad," I'll just chug some wine- that always makes me happy:). 

Did I mention that my birthday is next week?  Awesome.  I could definitely do with it just passing over.  It's only 29 anyway, nothing special.  I told DH that I didn't want to celebrate with friends this year- I swear I'm not being mopey about it, but I simply would rather have a quiet night in.  I really don't want to worry about acting super happy that everyone is getting together in honor of me-- like one should when people gather for them.  I am totally not depressed about my birthday, but let's be honest- I'm sure we've all had times along this IF journey where we didn't feel like celebrating anything. 

On a happier note, I was off from work today and got about 1/2 of my shopping done!  And that's before Black Friday (which I hate, but there are some good deals to be had this year)!  Money sure isn't buying me happiness right now, but I swear that buying presents for the people closest to me sure made me happy today!

Rough Week

I don't know why some weeks seem so easy and others seem unimaginably difficult. This week was awful. It started with a pregnancy announcement from someone who knew about our situation. It was accompanied by the little frowny face and pat on the back. I then, with my amazing acting skills, did my over the top, girly squeal, couldn't be more excited for you reaction. I went home and cried myself to sleep. The next day was an ongoing battle to not tear up.

My family knows about the situation, and I am glad they do because I couldn't take any more "when are you going to have a baby" questions. My mom, though, sometimes still pushes my buttons. We hung out with her this weekend and I was so self-conscious about acting sad in front of her, but I apparently did a horrible job. She called today and said "you guys seem so sad." Really? I mean..... Really? Wtf... Of course we are sad and have chosen to tell you why- why must you question it?

I feel like Scrooge because as the holidays get closer, I get grumpier. I have been taking out some of my more negative feelings out on DH and I know I am putting a lot of pressure on him. I know all of these things, but why do I keep doing it?

The Waiting Game

I am a patient person.  I have a job where patience is the only way to make it through the day sometimes.  But this infertility stuff is reallllllllly testing my patience!  Even knowing that we have progressed through this process fairly swiftly (found out about azoo after only 8 months of TTC, got into UR within a week, an appointment with an RE in less than 6 weeks), my patience is seriously being put to the test. 

I have been waiting on pins and needles for this RE appointment that is scheduled for the middle of December.  I am on a waiting list, and have typically been checking my phone every half hour during work... except last Thursday.  I had to stay at work until 8, therefore did not check my phone between 12 and 8.  And wouldn't you know it.... THEY CALLED TO GIVE ME AN OPENING THE NEXT MORNING!  I missed it!  I called back and they had already given it away.  So, here I wait again.

This, of course, gives me wayyyyy too much time to think about all of the possibilities.  I keep getting excited because I have found so many blogs where men with azoospermia have been able to have their own sperm extracted through a biopsy.  Then again, I have found so many where they found none.  Btw, we decided against brother sperm- brother and DH just don't have the right kind of relationship where we would be comforable.  We've decided that DS is just not going to be an option for us- it feels like our options list just keeps getting shorter and shorter.  But.... we still don't even know if we have DH's sperm!  Which brings me back to my original point- patience is a bitch!

Holidays

So, obviously Halloween was a pretty tough holiday.  Unfortunately, that has given me all the more anxiety about the upcoming months.  DH and I always split up the holidays between his folks and mine.  This year, we are spending Thanksgiving with my family.  I am so excited to spend the holiday with them because it has been about 2 years since we've gotten to spend a holiday with my parents, sister, BIL, and nephew (when nephew was born, it threw off the alternating schedule).  Here's why I have anxiety about Thanksgiving- my sister and BIL are TTC with #2.  While I hope and pray they have another successful pregnancy, I am so worried that it will be announced over that weekend and I won't be able to keep it together.  So, that's Thanksgiving. 

For Christmas, we are spending the holiday with DH's family.  I am so excited to see them as we don't get to see them nearly enough.  I am worried however, because he has a very large family and I KNOW that they will start asking questions.  Not to mention, I would not be surprised if my SIL is trying for #3.  It's so hard because I want my sister and SIL to hav etheir babies so badly, but it is just so darn bittersweet.

On top of all of this, DH suffers from depression.  Usually, it's managed pretty well with medicine, but he also gets seasonal depression.  He tends to sleep a lot and just stays pretty sad all through winter.  I just hope I can find some ways to get through the holidays unscathed.  Does anyone have any ideas on how to cope with the holidays? 

Halloween is Apparently Pretty Hard

So, I was well aware that Christmas might be difficult this year- even Thanksgiving. But Halloween... What the hell?! I usually love passing out candy and oohing and aahing over all of the cuties' costumes, but this year sucked. Seeing all of those kids with parents my age just reminded me of our reality. Facebook didn't make it any better by plastering pictures of all my friends', families', and acquaintances'kids dressed up. I am dressed up as a bitter, old biatch tonight- watch out!

Brother Sperm- Weird, or Not Weird?

DH hadn't really talked to his anyone in his family about our situation except for his parents- he was fine with them passing on the info, but I think he was still too stunned, sad, etc. to actually talk to his siblings about it himself.  Well, he talked to his sister and mentioned the idea of embryo adoption we found out about.  DH's sister asked if we had considered DS- he let her know that he didn't think that was right for us.  What she told him next really mixed things up for us.  She said that DH's brother had told her that if we wanted to, he would without hesitation donate his sperm to us.  Wow...  My first reaction was an uncontrollable sob- what a selfless and amazing thing to do for your brother!  We are so far away from even knowing if we would go this route, but to know that he would do that for DH really touched me and will forever change the way I think about DH's brother. 

I assumed that DH would not want to do that because he had seemed so opposed to the idea.  He said however, that he was actually very open to the idea (I mean, I was TOTALLY not expecting that).  He and his brother look very much alike and he loved the idea that our child will resemble him physically, not to mention that if their are any medical issues with our child, we would have both biological parents' history.  This has totally shaken things up for me.  If it comes to us not being able to conceive on our own, I really don't know what I would want.  It seems like the more options I find out about, the scarier the decision becomes.  I love the idea of the child being biologically linked to DH, but will DH ever come to resent that his brother was able to give me what he could not?  I certainly don't think of it that way, but the hubs has been so very hard on himself throughout this whole process.  I also ask myself, it it weird if I become pregnant with my brother-in-law's sperm?   If it comes to this decision, how will we ever make the right decision?

Fertility Options

I had the BEST experience I've had yet during this infertility experiece!  My DH is the most amazing man and I have been reminded by that time and time again during the past month.  He is certainly struggling with our situation- maybe even moreso than I am because he feels a tremendous amount of guilt (no matter how much reassurance I give him that I don't look at this as "his" problem, but "ours").  But the other day, he completely put his feelings aside and reached out to someone for me.  Upon receiving our weekly newsletter from church, he noticed a support group for women who are struggling with infertility.  Without me knowing, he emailed the contact person and asked for more information.  I would have NEVER reached out on my own, but because he did, I felt obligated to respond.  I attended a support group the other night with 6 other women in similar situations.  We laughed, we bawled, and we hugged- and it was an absolutely incredible experience.   I was surrounded by people who didn't have pity on me, but who really understood... and that was an amazing thing.

When I was sharing my story, I mentioned that even though I knew the real goal was for us to have children in any capacity, I admitted that part of me was very sad about the possibility of never being able to experience pregnancy.  One woman shared her story and asked if I had ever heard of embryo adoption.  I hadn't heard about it and she said that this was the method her and her husband were using at the current time.  Now... I know little to nothing about this option and have only read a few websites about it.  I still have some hope that we will find some sperm during DH's biopsy, but I do want to be informed about other options so I don't lose it if the outcome is still zero.  I have an appointment with a fertility specialist in December and know that I can ask about it then, but that's a long time away. 

Can anyone share any information they may know about embryo adoption?  Pros, cons?  Expenses? 

Urology Results

So, I have to admit that the appointment went better than expected.  No, no... there's still no sperm, but at least we have the wheels in motion now.  I am now scheduled to meet with a fertility specialist in December.  You can only imagine the thoughts racing through my head upon hearing that news- "Oh no... what if there's something 'wrong' with me too!!!" I hadn't even considered that yet.  At this point, nothing would really surprise me.

After getting the all clear from my doctor, we will then proceed to the hubs' testis biopsy (he was squirming when the doc told him how that would go).  If they find any sperm, the doctors are ready to get those suckers out and freeze them.  Oh, how I pray there is something there! 

If no sperm still, I guess then we go on to our "other options."  Really, I think we just have one- adoption.  The hubs isn't keen on the idea of a sperm donor, and I really understand his position, but at the same time I also worry about adoption too.  The cost alone is a $uper $cary realization!  If it comes to that, I just don't know how we will decide what to do.

I guess I'm jumping ahead of myself.  For right now, happy thoughts!  At least we have plan for now.

Urology Appointment Tomorrow!

Since we are still in the "figuring out" stage, I get a lot of anxiety about these doctors' appointments.  Every appointment we've had so far has just meant lots of poking and prodding to my poor husband.  We also receive a lot of those infertility buzz words- "sperm donor," "adoption," etc.   We still have not figured out one thing about why this is happening.  We don't know if there's a blockage, if there's any hiding spermies, or if the hubs' parts just aren't working.  But I just keep thinking that tomorrow's the day- the day we hear "the news."  The day someone finally tells us that we cannot have kids.  Deep down in my gut, I just know that's the information we are going to eventually hear.  I try to be hopeful, but at the same time not get my hopes up.  It's not that I don't think those are bad outcomes, but they certainly take some time getting used to.  Here's hoping for news- ANY news tomorrow.

When is it our turn?

Ever since this journey started, I have felt like I'm on a roller coaster.  At times, we make jokes to help cope, other times we just cry.  I go back and forth on being very optimistic and knowing "everything will work out," to feeling the weight of the world and wondering if we will ever be able conceive.  I've been working SO hard on trying to stay on that optimistic path, but every time I get to that place... I check Facebook. 

It's not only that it seems someone new is announcing their pregnancy every day that is bothering me (I mean, of course, that hits home too), but it's also the fact that it keeps happening to people who are younger than me.  Just the other day, I saw that one of my acquaintances from my home town that is a year younger than me, is having her 3rd child.  Another in the same class is having her second.  The idea that these girls could potentially be done having children by the time I even know if we are capable of having one is scary to me.  

I know that 28 years old is not old by any means.  But we have no timeline.  I don't know if we will have a  child next year, or if it will even happen by the time I'm 35.  We just have no idea and I suppose that's the hardest part.  And on top of not knowing, we don't know how much money we will spend over the course of this process.  From the research I've done, one IVF treatment (if that's even a viable option for us) will eat up our entire savings.  That, my friends, is very daunting.

All we can do now, is focus on the things we do know- and those are good things.  We have a loving marriage.  We have amazingly supportive family and friends.  We have our health.  Praise God for those things!

"Honey, who is going to read this?"

My poor husband... I could see his wheels turning as I casually slipped in my idea of starting a blog before going to bed last night.  "Honey, who is going to read this?"  Poor guy just assumed I would be posting it on Facebook for all to see- exes, co-workers, acquaintances, the unassuming fertiles.  I hadn't actually thought that people would READ this, and they probably won't.  There's something that feels funny about letting everyone know about this type of blog.  I feel like it would be just inviting friends and family to feel bad for us- or God forbid to tell us all the stories about friends of friends who took a long time to conceive (I mean, at this point, we don't even know if that's an option for us).   I really just wanted to get all of my fears, frustrations, and self-pity out of my head and into the universe and if people actually want to read that, they are welcome ot it.