Monday, October 31, 2011

Halloween is Apparently Pretty Hard

So, I was well aware that Christmas might be difficult this year- even Thanksgiving. But Halloween... What the hell?! I usually love passing out candy and oohing and aahing over all of the cuties' costumes, but this year sucked. Seeing all of those kids with parents my age just reminded me of our reality. Facebook didn't make it any better by plastering pictures of all my friends', families', and acquaintances'kids dressed up. I am dressed up as a bitter, old biatch tonight- watch out!

Sunday, October 30, 2011

Brother Sperm- Weird, or Not Weird?

DH hadn't really talked to his anyone in his family about our situation except for his parents- he was fine with them passing on the info, but I think he was still too stunned, sad, etc. to actually talk to his siblings about it himself.  Well, he talked to his sister and mentioned the idea of embryo adoption we found out about.  DH's sister asked if we had considered DS- he let her know that he didn't think that was right for us.  What she told him next really mixed things up for us.  She said that DH's brother had told her that if we wanted to, he would without hesitation donate his sperm to us.  Wow...  My first reaction was an uncontrollable sob- what a selfless and amazing thing to do for your brother!  We are so far away from even knowing if we would go this route, but to know that he would do that for DH really touched me and will forever change the way I think about DH's brother. 

I assumed that DH would not want to do that because he had seemed so opposed to the idea.  He said however, that he was actually very open to the idea (I mean, I was TOTALLY not expecting that).  He and his brother look very much alike and he loved the idea that our child will resemble him physically, not to mention that if their are any medical issues with our child, we would have both biological parents' history.  This has totally shaken things up for me.  If it comes to us not being able to conceive on our own, I really don't know what I would want.  It seems like the more options I find out about, the scarier the decision becomes.  I love the idea of the child being biologically linked to DH, but will DH ever come to resent that his brother was able to give me what he could not?  I certainly don't think of it that way, but the hubs has been so very hard on himself throughout this whole process.  I also ask myself, it it weird if I become pregnant with my brother-in-law's sperm?   If it comes to this decision, how will we ever make the right decision?

Friday, October 28, 2011

Fertility Options

I had the BEST experience I've had yet during this infertility experiece!  My DH is the most amazing man and I have been reminded by that time and time again during the past month.  He is certainly struggling with our situation- maybe even moreso than I am because he feels a tremendous amount of guilt (no matter how much reassurance I give him that I don't look at this as "his" problem, but "ours").  But the other day, he completely put his feelings aside and reached out to someone for me.  Upon receiving our weekly newsletter from church, he noticed a support group for women who are struggling with infertility.  Without me knowing, he emailed the contact person and asked for more information.  I would have NEVER reached out on my own, but because he did, I felt obligated to respond.  I attended a support group the other night with 6 other women in similar situations.  We laughed, we bawled, and we hugged- and it was an absolutely incredible experience.   I was surrounded by people who didn't have pity on me, but who really understood... and that was an amazing thing.

When I was sharing my story, I mentioned that even though I knew the real goal was for us to have children in any capacity, I admitted that part of me was very sad about the possibility of never being able to experience pregnancy.  One woman shared her story and asked if I had ever heard of embryo adoption.  I hadn't heard about it and she said that this was the method her and her husband were using at the current time.  Now... I know little to nothing about this option and have only read a few websites about it.  I still have some hope that we will find some sperm during DH's biopsy, but I do want to be informed about other options so I don't lose it if the outcome is still zero.  I have an appointment with a fertility specialist in December and know that I can ask about it then, but that's a long time away. 

Can anyone share any information they may know about embryo adoption?  Pros, cons?  Expenses? 

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Urology Results

So, I have to admit that the appointment went better than expected.  No, no... there's still no sperm, but at least we have the wheels in motion now.  I am now scheduled to meet with a fertility specialist in December.  You can only imagine the thoughts racing through my head upon hearing that news- "Oh no... what if there's something 'wrong' with me too!!!" I hadn't even considered that yet.  At this point, nothing would really surprise me.

After getting the all clear from my doctor, we will then proceed to the hubs' testis biopsy (he was squirming when the doc told him how that would go).  If they find any sperm, the doctors are ready to get those suckers out and freeze them.  Oh, how I pray there is something there! 

If no sperm still, I guess then we go on to our "other options."  Really, I think we just have one- adoption.  The hubs isn't keen on the idea of a sperm donor, and I really understand his position, but at the same time I also worry about adoption too.  The cost alone is a $uper $cary realization!  If it comes to that, I just don't know how we will decide what to do.

I guess I'm jumping ahead of myself.  For right now, happy thoughts!  At least we have plan for now.

Monday, October 24, 2011

Urology Appointment Tomorrow!

Since we are still in the "figuring out" stage, I get a lot of anxiety about these doctors' appointments.  Every appointment we've had so far has just meant lots of poking and prodding to my poor husband.  We also receive a lot of those infertility buzz words- "sperm donor," "adoption," etc.   We still have not figured out one thing about why this is happening.  We don't know if there's a blockage, if there's any hiding spermies, or if the hubs' parts just aren't working.  But I just keep thinking that tomorrow's the day- the day we hear "the news."  The day someone finally tells us that we cannot have kids.  Deep down in my gut, I just know that's the information we are going to eventually hear.  I try to be hopeful, but at the same time not get my hopes up.  It's not that I don't think those are bad outcomes, but they certainly take some time getting used to.  Here's hoping for news- ANY news tomorrow.

Sunday, October 23, 2011

When is it our turn?

Ever since this journey started, I have felt like I'm on a roller coaster.  At times, we make jokes to help cope, other times we just cry.  I go back and forth on being very optimistic and knowing "everything will work out," to feeling the weight of the world and wondering if we will ever be able conceive.  I've been working SO hard on trying to stay on that optimistic path, but every time I get to that place... I check Facebook. 

It's not only that it seems someone new is announcing their pregnancy every day that is bothering me (I mean, of course, that hits home too), but it's also the fact that it keeps happening to people who are younger than me.  Just the other day, I saw that one of my acquaintances from my home town that is a year younger than me, is having her 3rd child.  Another in the same class is having her second.  The idea that these girls could potentially be done having children by the time I even know if we are capable of having one is scary to me.  

I know that 28 years old is not old by any means.  But we have no timeline.  I don't know if we will have a  child next year, or if it will even happen by the time I'm 35.  We just have no idea and I suppose that's the hardest part.  And on top of not knowing, we don't know how much money we will spend over the course of this process.  From the research I've done, one IVF treatment (if that's even a viable option for us) will eat up our entire savings.  That, my friends, is very daunting.

All we can do now, is focus on the things we do know- and those are good things.  We have a loving marriage.  We have amazingly supportive family and friends.  We have our health.  Praise God for those things!

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

"Honey, who is going to read this?"

My poor husband... I could see his wheels turning as I casually slipped in my idea of starting a blog before going to bed last night.  "Honey, who is going to read this?"  Poor guy just assumed I would be posting it on Facebook for all to see- exes, co-workers, acquaintances, the unassuming fertiles.  I hadn't actually thought that people would READ this, and they probably won't.  There's something that feels funny about letting everyone know about this type of blog.  I feel like it would be just inviting friends and family to feel bad for us- or God forbid to tell us all the stories about friends of friends who took a long time to conceive (I mean, at this point, we don't even know if that's an option for us).   I really just wanted to get all of my fears, frustrations, and self-pity out of my head and into the universe and if people actually want to read that, they are welcome ot it.