Monday, March 26, 2012

RE Results

DH and I had our much anticipated RE consultation last Monday. I don't know why I was so nervous- I knew we couldn't receive worse information than the last visit (I mean, it was zero last time!). RE was super excited about DH's results! I tried to act giddy when he said he wanted us to come back in 2 months for another SA and hopefully have enough for an IUI round in June. But really, as ungrateful as it may seem (and believe me, I am grateful and know our prognosis is soooooooooo much better now) I was trying to fight back the lump in my throat. I know, I know... What's 2 more months when I've been waiting 14? But I have just come to the conclusion that I won't rest easy or believe anything is good news until I am pregnant... really pregnant... like 7 months pregnant.

This has caused some frustrations between DH and me. He is understandably ecstatic about the news! He feels such a sense of relief and I am so glad he is able to feel those feelings! He is just a bit annoyed that I can be "bouncing off the walls excited" like he is. Just this past weekend he was finally opening up to the idea that it's ok that we have different feelings about this journey. But I promise I will bounce off the walls with excitement when/if we get pregnant!!

Friday, March 16, 2012


I can't believe I'm actually writing this, but DH has sperm!! Not much, but it's there... It's real! DH went in for his 3 month check up since starting the hcg injections. The results showed that he had 16 million sperm, but only 1 million were useable. We go in for a consultation with the RE on Monday. This is the best news I've heard in 6 months!!!!

Sunday, March 11, 2012

Ready for the Next Phase

So tomorrow's the day.  DH will go in for his 3 month SA to see if the HCG injections have started sperm production.  The past three months have really seemed to fly by, but the past week has taken an eternity.  In the past when DH has had his SA, he has received the results the same day.  This time however, they told us that it might take 48-72 hours- though they told us that we may hear earlier if his count is still zero.  We are certainly hoping for the best and have reason to feel that way.  DH has had more energy, increased libido, and has even felt quite agitated from time to time (we assume this may be from an increased testosterone level). So while we are hopeful, we have tried to prepare ourselves for the worst... as much as we can.  It's helped to focus on our "Plan B" just in case.  We haven't really gotten much information regarding adoption, but we've talked about it enough so that if the results from the test are bad, we know the world is not over.

It's hard to come back to this place.  For three months, we were able to feel somewhat normal.  We didn't have any appointments, we were able to genuinely laugh, completely enjoy each other's company (most of the time;), and just focus on other things.  This appointment is really stirring up those feelings that I hate so much.  The holidays were the worst I've ever experienced and do not want to return to those feelings.  I know there is nothing else we could have done and I take some comfort in that, but MAN, would it be more comfortable to have a sperm count higher than zero!  Keep your fingers crossed!  

Wednesday, February 29, 2012

You have got to be kidding me!!

I know it's been forever since I posted, but to be quite honest... Absolutely nothing has happened on the fertility front. We have 2 more weeks to go until DH's SA- the one that will tell us if his hcg has worked. I could write a lot about all of the feelings I have right now that it's so close, but it's not close enough to let myself freak out yet.

So... What news has brought me back to blog land? Apparently SNOOKI is pregnant! What?! Really?! Maybe it's a hoax, but it is being reported by everyone! There are so many things to say about this... But I choose to just roll my eyes and bite my tongue. So not fair!!!! Ahem- still working on that biting my tongue thing.

Monday, January 16, 2012

Sweet Relief- Finally Some Good News!

Sorry for the delay- this has been an overwhelming few weeks, but we've finally received some news we think we can handle.  Last Saturday, we went back to the neurologist to do a nerve test.  Before the doctor started the test, he let me ask all of the questions I wanted to and I DEFINITELY took advantage of that!  My first question was all about MS- I wanted to know the probablility of this and when we would know for sure.  He reassured me that he was 95% sure that this was a thyroid issue, but he just has to cover all the bases.  He said at this point, there was not a definitive test we could give DH b/c only a spinal tap could give those answers and if it WAS MS, then this would be too early to tell.  So... I did feel better about everything after that conversation.  DH then proceeded with the test and found that there was no nerve damage- which was GREAT news!!!  He again reassured us, he was fairly certain that this was a thyroid issue and that we would monitor DH with a series of MRI's every 3 months for this year.

We felt pretty good, but of course it would have been nice to hear "I know 100% that you do not have MS."  We took it and ran because it was better than the alternative.  We thought we were done with that office until the next MRI, but we were incorrect.  The doctor called us early this past week to make an appt to go over bloodwork.  Clearly, that made us nervous because most of our doctors have been giving us results over the phone.  We worried about it all week, but were fortunate enough to get a weekend appointment yesterday.  After much anxiety and worry, we entered his office.  He came in and did the typical doctor chit-chat and then got out all of the blood results.  We braced ourselves for more bad news:

"Looks like you are gluten intolerant."  Oh, great!  So not only are we going to receive bad news today, but on top of it, now we've got to completely change DH's diet!  But.... then the doctor explained that this was the ONLY thing wrong with all of the blood work.  It seems like the lesions on DH's brain are most likely from a gluten intolerance!  Which means, he's fine!  Dr. said that DH would need 1 more MRI in April just to check it out, but he's pretty confident!

As an added bonus, the change to the gluten-free diet will not be so bad for us (well, mostly DH).  Because of my PCOS, my RE put me on a low-carb diet.  Most of the meals I have been cooking are already gluten free (I was completely unaware to that fact until today), and after talking to the dietician at the local grocery store, I found all the things I need to substitute some of DH's favorite carbies!  DH has never been one to eat healthy, so I think this could be a great change for him!  He's happy, I'm happy... it's certainly been a while since we could say that!

Thursday, January 5, 2012

Prayers Needed!

Looking on my last few posts, I can't help but to notice how negative I've been.  I hate it and I have a daily conversation with myself about putting my big girl pants on and being positive.  But I must admit, these past few weeks have presented several challenges that make being positive nearly impossible.

I had mentioned that my sister let me know she was pregnant.  My sister is the most wonderful person I know and handled that situation with such class.  It was hard, but I knew she knew that and she definitely gave me my time to take it all in.  I thought that would be the hardest "announcement."  Little did I know, I would receive a tougher one a week later.  My best friend who has been married for 2 months just let me know that she was pregnant.  The fact that she's pregnant was not the hardest though, it was that she told me, then came to my house and spent the night for a New Year's Eve party.  It's hard for me to be mad, because I know she has always wanted the best for me.  She has been there for me through all of this mess- she was the 1st person I called the night we found out about DH's azoospermia.  It was just such a painful situation to be in- we had no time to cry, no time to react, we just had to smile all through the night.

But as I look back on those two situations, they mean nothing after the doctor visit DH had today.  Our RE had ordered an MRI just to check for any pituitary tumors or cancer even.  We found out last week, that everything seemed to be normal- no tumors, no cancer.  But.... there were some small white spots.  The nurse assured us this was probably nothing- could have been from a concussion, a high fever over an extended period of time, he could have just been born with it, etc.   Still, the RE wanted us to see a neurologist just to be sure.  This was the first appointment I didn't attend with DH since this all began because it was a very difficult day to miss work.  We even called the office and asked if I should go there as support- everyone seemed like that would just be a waste of time.  So, poor DH went alone.

After some reflex tests and vision tests, the neurologist pulled up the MRI and started going over it with DH.  He said that he thought the small white spots (there's a more technical name for them, but I have forbidden myself from googling them) were most likely caused from an untreated thyroid issue.  DH has hypothyroidism and has been treated for it for a few years now, but it was probably present before he started treatment.  He said if that's the issue, everything's fine- those spots will just stay there and not cause any harm.  But DH, knowing me all too well, said, "My wife will want to know what the worst case scenario is."  Oh how I wish I wasn't a person who needed to know those things, because I was certainly not expecting the response.  "MS would be the worst case scenario," he flatly told DH.

What?  How?  He's so young, seemingly so healthy!  He has no other symptoms, but this is actually on the table!  We are going back in on Saturday for him to go through more tests.   I need him.  I want to live a long, happy, healthy life with him by my side and I would sacrifice EVERYTHING for him.  This fertility thing isn't just about me being a mom, it's about US being parents.   I know it doesn't work this way, and that God already has everything planned out for us, but I would be willing to be childless forever if DH could be healthy.  Please say a prayer for him!

Friday, December 23, 2011

Rough Week

My high from last week's appointment is officially over:(. Throughout this journey so far, DH and I keep saying, "atleast only one of us has fertility issues." Should have knocked on wood. We got our blood results back from the RE and I have PCOS. Now, I am well aware that this is all too common. I have heard hundreds of stories about women with PCOS who "accidentally" get pregnant with no medical intervention. I know this is not the worst thing in the infertility world- (I think azoospermia ranks up there, personally). I am aware that medicine can treat this. It's just that we already have something! I mean, for the love of all that's holy- can we get a break?

The answer is no! The day after finding out our blood results, my sister informed me that they were pregnant. I know everyone here understands so I don't need to go into detail about being happy for her, but sad for us. On top of all of this, RE wants me to lose 30 lbs. I know you can't see me, but I doubt you would think I need to lose 30. 10 probably, 15 maybe, but 30? I would be pulling out some of my clothes from 8th grade! He has me on a low carb diet, which I've done before, but it's certainly not fun.

I am just so ready for 2012- hopefully SOMETHING good will happen!