Tuesday, November 29, 2011


Warning: this post is all about sex (no dirty details, though)

Here is the story of me and my frenemy, Sex. You see, Sex and I were pretty good friends 2.5 years ago. At the beginning of my marriage, she (yes, I am referring to sex as a "she") allowed me to grow closer with my husband, she came around often, and she was just a blast!

When DH and I first started TTC, she was still pretty fun to have around- DH really liked her too! But then, after about 3 months, Sex really started to get on my nerves. She was becoming less of a friend and more of a nag. I was getting tired of putting all of this effort in to her, only to receive nothing in return. Although DH had really loved Sex in the beginning, he even started to get frustrated with her. He noticed that she started visiting for one week a month and would drop off the planet until the same time next month. He started to miss her, but I was comfortable with the arrangement she and I had.

I guess I knew in some way that it was building up to this point, but after we got DH's azoo diagnosis, my relationship with Sex reached an all new level. Once my friend, she was now my enemy! I subconsciously decided that she and I needed to go our separate ways. She wasn't the friend I thought she was and ultimately my feelings were hurt.

Sex and I didn't see eachother for two whole months. I couldn't stand to even think about her! But what I didn't realize was how my failing relationship with Sex was affecting my relationship with DH. He never said anything, but I felt a distance from him I hadn't felt before. I started to get scared that my resentment towards Sex could cause irreparable damage in my marriage. I started to kind of miss her myself- not enough to call her up and make plans though. I wanted her to just pop in sometime and surprise us. I was worried that I'd never get the old Sex back- my fun friend. I went as far as to pray that God would bring her back into my life so I could feel somewhat normal again.

Well, I am happy to report that my prayers were answered tonight. Sex stopped by, she apologized for being a crappy friend, and decided to stick around for longer than a week this time:).

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Holidays... Here We Come!!

We are getting ready to go to my parents' house for Thanksgiving.  I'm excited to get away and just relax.  I'm hoping that the attention will not be on us, but I'm not dreading it as much as I thought I would.  I guess if my mom makes any comments about me "not being myself" or "acting sad," I'll just chug some wine- that always makes me happy:). 

Did I mention that my birthday is next week?  Awesome.  I could definitely do with it just passing over.  It's only 29 anyway, nothing special.  I told DH that I didn't want to celebrate with friends this year- I swear I'm not being mopey about it, but I simply would rather have a quiet night in.  I really don't want to worry about acting super happy that everyone is getting together in honor of me-- like one should when people gather for them.  I am totally not depressed about my birthday, but let's be honest- I'm sure we've all had times along this IF journey where we didn't feel like celebrating anything. 

On a happier note, I was off from work today and got about 1/2 of my shopping done!  And that's before Black Friday (which I hate, but there are some good deals to be had this year)!  Money sure isn't buying me happiness right now, but I swear that buying presents for the people closest to me sure made me happy today!

Sunday, November 20, 2011

Rough Week

I don't know why some weeks seem so easy and others seem unimaginably difficult. This week was awful. It started with a pregnancy announcement from someone who knew about our situation. It was accompanied by the little frowny face and pat on the back. I then, with my amazing acting skills, did my over the top, girly squeal, couldn't be more excited for you reaction. I went home and cried myself to sleep. The next day was an ongoing battle to not tear up.

My family knows about the situation, and I am glad they do because I couldn't take any more "when are you going to have a baby" questions. My mom, though, sometimes still pushes my buttons. We hung out with her this weekend and I was so self-conscious about acting sad in front of her, but I apparently did a horrible job. She called today and said "you guys seem so sad." Really? I mean..... Really? Wtf... Of course we are sad and have chosen to tell you why- why must you question it?

I feel like Scrooge because as the holidays get closer, I get grumpier. I have been taking out some of my more negative feelings out on DH and I know I am putting a lot of pressure on him. I know all of these things, but why do I keep doing it?

Monday, November 14, 2011

The Waiting Game

I am a patient person.  I have a job where patience is the only way to make it through the day sometimes.  But this infertility stuff is reallllllllly testing my patience!  Even knowing that we have progressed through this process fairly swiftly (found out about azoo after only 8 months of TTC, got into UR within a week, an appointment with an RE in less than 6 weeks), my patience is seriously being put to the test. 

I have been waiting on pins and needles for this RE appointment that is scheduled for the middle of December.  I am on a waiting list, and have typically been checking my phone every half hour during work... except last Thursday.  I had to stay at work until 8, therefore did not check my phone between 12 and 8.  And wouldn't you know it.... THEY CALLED TO GIVE ME AN OPENING THE NEXT MORNING!  I missed it!  I called back and they had already given it away.  So, here I wait again.

This, of course, gives me wayyyyy too much time to think about all of the possibilities.  I keep getting excited because I have found so many blogs where men with azoospermia have been able to have their own sperm extracted through a biopsy.  Then again, I have found so many where they found none.  Btw, we decided against brother sperm- brother and DH just don't have the right kind of relationship where we would be comforable.  We've decided that DS is just not going to be an option for us- it feels like our options list just keeps getting shorter and shorter.  But.... we still don't even know if we have DH's sperm!  Which brings me back to my original point- patience is a bitch!

Sunday, November 6, 2011


So, obviously Halloween was a pretty tough holiday.  Unfortunately, that has given me all the more anxiety about the upcoming months.  DH and I always split up the holidays between his folks and mine.  This year, we are spending Thanksgiving with my family.  I am so excited to spend the holiday with them because it has been about 2 years since we've gotten to spend a holiday with my parents, sister, BIL, and nephew (when nephew was born, it threw off the alternating schedule).  Here's why I have anxiety about Thanksgiving- my sister and BIL are TTC with #2.  While I hope and pray they have another successful pregnancy, I am so worried that it will be announced over that weekend and I won't be able to keep it together.  So, that's Thanksgiving. 

For Christmas, we are spending the holiday with DH's family.  I am so excited to see them as we don't get to see them nearly enough.  I am worried however, because he has a very large family and I KNOW that they will start asking questions.  Not to mention, I would not be surprised if my SIL is trying for #3.  It's so hard because I want my sister and SIL to hav etheir babies so badly, but it is just so darn bittersweet.

On top of all of this, DH suffers from depression.  Usually, it's managed pretty well with medicine, but he also gets seasonal depression.  He tends to sleep a lot and just stays pretty sad all through winter.  I just hope I can find some ways to get through the holidays unscathed.  Does anyone have any ideas on how to cope with the holidays?