I don't know why some weeks seem so easy and others seem unimaginably difficult. This week was awful. It started with a pregnancy announcement from someone who knew about our situation. It was accompanied by the little frowny face and pat on the back. I then, with my amazing acting skills, did my over the top, girly squeal, couldn't be more excited for you reaction. I went home and cried myself to sleep. The next day was an ongoing battle to not tear up.
My family knows about the situation, and I am glad they do because I couldn't take any more "when are you going to have a baby" questions. My mom, though, sometimes still pushes my buttons. We hung out with her this weekend and I was so self-conscious about acting sad in front of her, but I apparently did a horrible job. She called today and said "you guys seem so sad." Really? I mean..... Really? Wtf... Of course we are sad and have chosen to tell you why- why must you question it?
I feel like Scrooge because as the holidays get closer, I get grumpier. I have been taking out some of my more negative feelings out on DH and I know I am putting a lot of pressure on him. I know all of these things, but why do I keep doing it?
Stopping by from ICLW. I understand about moms pushing buttons. Even though we've been trying to get pregnant/carry a baby to term for almost 4 years now, my mom still insists that we don't need medical intervention and that we should just "relax" and it will happen.
ReplyDeleteICLW # 57
Hi there, I am here from ICLW. Sorry you have had a crappy week. I know how hard it can be to hear that someone else is expecting when you so desperately wish it was you. This whole thing is so straining on a relationship as well. There have been many times that I it has come between me and my husband. It's hard to stop putting pressure on them even when you can recognize you are doing it. I just say that I am too passionate about being a mommy.
ReplyDeleteICLW #12
Moms do tend to push buttons. They tend to say the wrong thing a lot. After I lost my baby, my mom told my husband I wouldn't be too upset because I just hate my job. And that maybe I'd be ok without kids. It made me wonder if she even listens to me.
ReplyDeleteHi, nice to meet you! (Gotta love ICLW) I definitely understand the feelings, and I'm proud of you for being able to fake the excitement for your friend.
ReplyDeletei totally understand.... some weeks are better than others. and the holidays. it can be rough. last year i totally protested the holidays and only did things i was absolutely required to do ie the hubs made me.
ReplyDeletei'm hoping your mom starts to understand, and i am hoping things get easier for you...
i will be following your story
xoxo
jes
iclw
Hello from ICLW!
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry hun :( I know it is so so tough to pretend to be happy for other ppl's preg announcements. It's tough. I cried through most of them right after! It's also hard to keep up a good face in front of family. Give yourself a break though, you are entitled to feel exactly the way you do, and you should NOT be sorry for it! Dealing with IF is a lot harder then most people realize, and if they did, they would be doing the same thing. Thankfully the IF community is understanding and awesome to vent to, since we all understand! I am praying for a BFP for you! I truly believe one way or another you both will become parents, whether it is through DH's sperm (it can still happen!!) or donor sperm, or adoption, whatever it may be.
Sam :)
Hi from ICLW
ReplyDeleteFunny, I woke up this morning and was thinking to myself about how I am just not feeling the holidays this year. We're looking into funding an IVF and I just don't feel like buying presents or participating in anything Christmas. I mean I'm happy to be with my family but the rest of it? I could care less. I know that this TTC nonsense is at least some, if not all of the reason.
Hope your week gets better. You're definitely not alone